Government Success Strategies

I was sent this by my brother in New Zealand who still does not what I do for a living so I thought it worth repeating here

Tribal wisdom of the Dakota Indians (so legend has it), passed on from generation to generation, says that,
"When you discover that you are riding a dead horse, the best strategy is to dismount."

However, in government, education and the corporate world, more advanced strategies are often employed, such as:

1. Buying a stronger whip.
2. Changing riders.
3. Giving horse and rider a good bollocking.
4. Re-structuring the dead horse's reward scale to contain a performance-related element.
5. Suspending the horse's access to the executive grassy meadow until performance targets are met.
6. Making the horse work late shifts and weekends.
7. Scrutinising and clawing back a percentage of the horse's past 12 months expenses payments.
8. Appointing a committee to study the horse.
9. Arranging to visit other countries to see how other cultures ride horses.
10. Convening a dead horse productivity improvement workshop.
11. Lowering the standards so that dead horses can be included.
12. Reclassifying the dead horse as living-impaired.
13. Hiring outside contractors to ride the dead horse.
14. Outsourcing the management of the dead horse.
15. Harnessing several dead horses together to increase speed.
16. Providing additional funding and/or training to increase dead horse's performance.
17. Doing a productivity study to see if lighter riders would improve the dead horse's performance.
18. Declaring that as the dead horse does not have to be fed, it is less costly, carries lower overhead and therefore contributes substantially more to the bottom line of the economy than do some other horses.
19. Rewriting the expected performance requirements for all horses. And, finally, the highly effective...
20. Promoting the dead horse to a supervisory position.

Take a look at your options on hiding the inevitable under the hay!

Refreshing or what?

Leaving the house this morning I felt a refreshing chill in the air, first time this autumn. I love this time of year it signals the restarting of a longish work period before Christmas. It's time to get busy again. Forget the doom and gloom merchants the OECD, BBC and the daily mail. Its really good out here whatever is going on and if we have to wait a bit longer to come out of this media created "recession" than france or germany so what! It's no coincidence that still desperately need the UK to join the euro so get up and face the fresh calming air.
Sent from my BlackBerry® wireless device

A new month and a new season.

Where do we go from here petrol up a few pence and winter almost back again?

But in reality its just a day past yesterday and nothing is really that different just your state of mind. So get a grip and focus on the great unknown just around the corner. Your greatest contract is just round the corner trust me. But if you are to scared to look then I'll take it and thanks. No really a big thanks to the meek they make life so much easier for the rest of us.

Sent from my BlackBerry® wireless device

How long?

So Germany and France are out of the "worst recession" since the great depression after about 12 months! Doesn't it strike you as odd that the so called harbingers of doom got it wrong! This was without doubt the shortest recession in the history of media cons. At least the reporters in the BBC and those who work on the MAIL have kept in work not that I am sure why!
Sent from my BlackBerry® wireless device

Getting it right

I have been running around from one place to another recently without much idea on what I am trying to achieve. This goes against everything I get my clients to do but then why follow your own advice!
But then time management has never been my strong suit. The basis of every success is to devise a plan and work that plan. The more you slack on that one the harder it will be to gain control and get some balance back.
Sent from my BlackBerry® wireless device

In short what do you do?

How many of us can rely on our memories to coherently tell people we have just met what we do? Why we do it? And why they should keep us in mind for future business? Remember that almost all the best speeches have been well prepared and rehearsed until they seem "off the cuff" tough isn't it?
Content should appeal not only to the listener but to the twenty people they meet today who they need to impress. So next time you present your elevator pitch or one minute promotion please bear it in mind that you need to give me enough good stuff about your business to make me look good!

Sent from my BlackBerry® wireless device

Competition?

How many of us really know who or what is competition? Not many people it seems. I became curious yesterday by talking with someone who really had no idea what competition was or what benefit it could bring their company. More importantly they were unaware where the real danger to their business came from. In short you are far more likely to do serious damage to your own business with a closed attitude than anything anyone else could even try to do to you. So keeping your mind open will keep you doors open.
Sent from my BlackBerry® wireless device

Tax shouldn't be taxing......

I am having increasing problems just getting HMRC to understand basic mathematics at the moment so if you too are experiencing the benefits of a dumbed down educational system with lazy confrontational staff based in Shipley who will not come out from behind their desks then join the club.
I have finally decided to explain to the HMRC that they are getting no more money out of my company until they find out where the last £125K has gone.

I can only ignore them now and write on every demand "account in dispute" with the word dispute in bold red letters!

Marketing Logic and where is next meal coming from

I was talking to a client trying to explain how they should profile their existing best customers in order to find clients that are similar who are more likely to have what they want and we did have a couple of misunderstandings as they thought that I wanted to market to their existing customers and in the great scheme of things that is probably what I would have suggested they do as mining the existing customer base is an excellent source of low cost easy to sell to customers which don't leave you feeling like you have to introduce yourself time and time again. However this is not what I mean't and in the end I had to get out the ol' bag of analogies and the one that seemed to fit best was the lion's lunch.
Lions sit around the drinking pool all afternoon not because they are thirsty or in case they will get thirsty later it's because by and by their lunch will pop along, probably in a weakened state ready to be snapped up. Weakened because in the world of the gazelle, smartish creatures who can spot a lion from a sniff in the wind 10 miles away and a pool of drinking water 20 miles away but they have to weigh up how long can they try to wait out the lions, hoping for boredom, until they just cannot wait any longer for a drink and having to face the snoozing preditor against dropping down with heat exhaustion and dying of thirst. I reckon that they think that they can get away with it if only their mates get eaten first so they go on down en-masse and attempt to slurp it up. My money is on the Lion as whatever happens he has weighed it up and will probably either get a healthy fresh snack or a bit of a dehydrated take away - worst case. The analogy a bit long winded is that the Lion has profiled his lunch and knows their behaviour and with the right attack strategy will snaffle enough earnings to feed the wife and kids for another day at least then it's back to snoozing. Find your waterhole profile your lunch and prepare your strategy. Data mining has never been so tasty...

Anyone for tennis?

I watched the monster truck derby which women's tennis has become and thought that unless they play the full five sets those demure little waifs known collectively as "the williams sisters " will continue to behave like city traders quick nasty without care for the game they owe so much to and about to get caught out. On the other hand the men's final is much more like the small business environment. Worth the long term fight and having to go the distance. Of the two the mens had no losers not the players, not the spectators and not the game. The debacle on saturday ensured that everyone lost. Talk about sub prime sport!
Sent from my BlackBerry® wireless device

Service! what service?

Here we go again, my god I'm incensed I have been listening to whinging retailers stating that things have never been this bad and they have nobody visiting their shops and the world is coming to an end...
I have just had to point out that the reason that they are talking crap is that they are not really professional retailers they are order takers and a monkey can do that probably with better humour.
Shop keepers should be taught how to build a relationship with the customer not just their wallet! Take a look at Estate Agents for the last few years they have let people buy buildings from them with the only selling point being that they will increase their investment in a few years. oops that's going to smart! Now they have to re-learn how to sell the dream of owing a home all over again, if they ever knew about it in the first place.
On line shopping rules are:

1. You can always get it cheaper on the internet
2. You can guarantee that if you do it will be late/damaged/incorrect or just crap
3. After sales service is very much out of sight out of mind - please email our spam box with your complaints
4. You will never ever get to touch and feel the product before you have paid for it...

Off line we cannot do the same thing and get away with it the likes of Stanley Kalms have destroyed customer service if you want it cheap sold by a complete idiot who can manage to ignore you while actually in conversation with you. Its like talking to the party tart they look over your shoulder to see if they can see someone with slightly more money than you. I once got ignored midway from buying a top end laptop with an assistant because a voluptous woman wanted to get a cheap packet of printer paper. Did I go elsewhere? of course if I want to treated like an avatar then I can go on line.

The local computer store is hungry for my business and offers intellegent conversation of interest and serves great coffee even if you don't buy anything.

This is it then either learn about proper customer service or die cos you deserve not to survive...

Before we know where we are its halfway through summer and edging close to the longest day.
As I travel around supporting my clients I have found the panicky questions about when is the world going to end, seem to diminish and as long as the focus can remain on their business then I am happy.
Encouraging people to work on their growth plans is not more essential than ever and if we have forgotten it start treating our employees with a whole lot more respect. Try to make sure that when we come out of this small decline that they don't all jump ship because the business owner has been a right pain in the neck.
Nothing brings a business to its knees quicker than just as you think the world is getting back to normal you suffer a major skills exodus just look at the government in the UK. Don't even think that it is motivated for the greater good as proved with the expenses situation, oh sorry I thought morals were something you put on hold when filling in your expense claim... who in their right mind thought that trying it on just to see if you could get away with it was similar to taking up a moral position needs to seriously consider doing some form of enforced community work. I digress look after the staff you want to keep and the ones you want to lose as well in fact look after everyone if you can if you can't then shut up shop now before you lose any more money!

Working my way back home.

I went to one of my client's seminars this morning it seemed the right thing to do and the conference, held at the wellcome institute in London, was a great success although I didn't understand a great deal of it. Supporting my clients endeavours is part of my role and if nothing else it gives me a better idea of what I can do to help. This is an essential part of what makes me that litte but different I am around when others don't bother. If you want a report then go to someone else if you want it to happen then call me.
Sent from my BlackBerry® wireless device

ItHere I Am sitting in a hotel waiting for my next client meeting thinking about the way that all the people I meet are waiting with baited breath for the recession to start because if you listened to the BBC idiot with a speech impediment where he over emphasises every pause for effect Bob Peston the rest of without an index linked BBC pension should be very afraid ; not so Bob anyone with half a brain is doing nicely thanks; keep at it Bob you could talk us into watching Sky!
Sent from my BlackBerry® wireless device

Conference

Just came back from a BNI conference in Amsterdam really very good and very inspirational. As time goes on I start to see the benefit of conferences and some of the networking events as like-minded people get together and really get a new perspective on all that's going on. Sometimes I see that the bigger picture gets lost in a wave of negative crap that comes out of the press and on the box. If we listen too much we get to think that these idiots actually know what they are talking about unfortunately they can only talk in sound bites and try to get us all believe that if we had any money left after they have contrived to steal it all we are going to die of swine fever a sort of flu that is particularly virulent in third world countries as is cholera, typhoid, TB and a whole range of illnesses which mean nothing to us unless they have the ability to cause a panic then they become BIG news.
So there you go first it was we were all going to have to live on the streets as we don't have any cash left then we are going to die with a fever and if we survive that lot we are going to drown when the ice caps melt (again) or boil when the earth gets too hot to live on any longer.
Time to get a cold beer and sit down in front of the tele' until the world ends or I die of starvation or obesity whichever.

Way to go!

As things progress in the world's financial markets one of the things I have managed to glean is that some business people finally show their true colours - point of fact; we all know that personalities return to core type when they are put under pressure. Real of percieved pressure I am not sure but there we go. A group of local business people I know have done exactly that. Most people in small businesses don't deserve to be in business! Those business owners that suffer from myopia certainly don't deserve my help and advice. A network group I help run have returned to their comfort blankets and sucking their thumbs with such energy and verve that if they put the same energy into running their business they shouldn't be worried at all.

Short term vision of where we are and where we should be going are very clear to most business people.
If we can raise our sights above the mundane and real business can start to make money with a background of borrowing dear old Arnold Weinstock would sleep a lot happier in his grave.

Great Week or two things seem to be settling down a bit with all that money sloshing around in the system with nowhere to go at some point one of the idiots will come to the conclusion that if they don't lend it soon we will all get along quite nicely without them and then they will have very little sway with business any more.
One bad point was that the government agency who are supposed to be supporting us out here has managed to go into a potential client of mine and offer their services for free claiming to be the same as my services. Businesslink are such a useless shower it makes you wonder how they lost their real jobs in the first place. Rewards for incompetence are our biggest and most dangerous phenomena. Years ago these total idiots were responsible for the mass loss of lives in the first world war and then the stock market crash in the twenties. Their cretinous stupidity as represented by those failures such as Gerald Corbett and Fred Goodwin are our fault. Like politicians, we get the business leaders we deserve or tolerate. While times are good they can hide behind their staff and the damage can be managed now its all out in the open.
I think that now it is time for only good news so
Tesco's take on 10,000
Subway are to take on 3,000
Lidl are opening 20 new stores
And I have never been busier.
Remember do what you do normall but do it better faster and with a whole lot more confidence and enthusiasm.

Making it look good when it looks bad
Apparently the world has gone to hell only someone forgot to keep me informed. I have never been busier one way or another. I know that critics would mention that I would say that wouldn't I. Funnily enough its not all about saving companies from total destruction at the hands of the bankers. There is increasing activity in growing small businesses and people starting new businesses. If they want to be the one in ten that survives the next five years never mind the next five minutes then I can help them structure themselves to not only last but to dominate the negative thinking that is going on out there right now.
As I have said to my clients many times being successful has less to do with ability and money and more to do with balls out resiliance. Never look down when you can look up!
Never forget the old maxim that the harder you work the luckier you get.

New Year Blues

Well here we go again, not only do we have to get a grip of getting back to work, we also have to get a grip of dealing with all the negative stuff out there. My new years resolution is going to try to outperform my last year not by any percentage but by gut feeling. It's going to be a good year if I thought anything else I would give up now. So more of last year and learn to embrace change again. I got too comfortable (and bored) without change and uncertainty so lets have more of it...

Tween Christmas and New Year 2008

The is more bad news from those wonderful purveyors of doom the BBC and now of course the Church of England has decided to give financial advice. Following the reformation they can't still really think that their advice on property acquisition and management would amount to anything of any real value.

Since we are at it the world has been peddalling greed and selfishness for some two thousand years so the odd boom and bust does not mean that the world is coming to an end so cheer up tomorrow will still come around and the sun will still come up so pull the bed covers over your head and keep on going - My New Years resolution is based on helping as many people to reach their goals as possible and making sure that they don't waver just keep at it.

Most businesses that are headlined to fail should have gone years ago. Some of them it is just bad luck, like whittards, but Woolies and MFI should have closed for health reasons I can think of some twenty or so retailers I would like to see off the high street as of now and would never want to shop there if I had a choice not endearing enough to save them I think...

Let em go only the strong should survive lets lose a few banks as well!

 

Reversal of fortune

Another day another breakfast at this rate I will be over 250 lbs by next easter!
This mornings was quite a fun affair with a lot of companies looking over their shoulders at what will happen next and being quite concerned about the future.
Me on the other hand is quite positive about what is going on and we have to always look to the future and what is next. The pound has taken a massive fall against all the other currencies so with a couple of colleagues the time seemed right to run a seminar about learning how to sell overseas. Do not get selling overseas with exporting goods most of what we have to offer from the UK is knowledge based and it seems a bit of an insult to call it exporting. Selling overseas is about getting your head right knowing more about why your client buys and what motivates them to even talk to you.
Most people buy for exactly the same reasons as we do and you will not be surprised at how many companies don't know why anyone does business with them. If they don't know then how are their customers supposed to know.
Selling overseas is about getting yourself right first then worrying about the trip...
Take it from me there is money in them thar hills so go search for it!

Project Finale

One of my longer standing clients gets me to devise and run a PR project the one I have been running this year is an expansion of last years. A number of local junior schools were invited by the company to get involved in designing a reflective armband - the theory being that if the children designed it themselves or at least had some input into the process they would be much more likely to wear the object than if it was just a plain one colour armband. Local schools would get a boost by working with local business and the business would get a bit of positive PR from the project. Hands down winners in every category. This year over 3,000 children took part from 15 schools that is three times last years and of course I was not prepared for the increase in workload so things have run over by about three weeks. This morning I delivered 2,000 of the things and am about to finish off this afternoon. The armbands have broken free from their bags in the boot of my car and being snap-wraps with a mind of their own they have taken over the car, wrapping and snapping every time I open the door! Its like have a rotweiller puppy in the back of the car. I will be glad when today is over. Everything involving school children seems to be fraught with problems. Ensuring that the armbands are not going to take it upon themselves to strangle the child or give a false sense of security and get the little darling hit by a truck!
If we can get throught the winter without litigation I will be pleased.

Nearing the year end

Closer and closer... christmas is on its way and are we prepared? are we ever prepared? This year things are a little bit gloomier, what with jobs going and staff morale at an all time low worrying about what the new year may bring together with the Christmas bills.
I mentioned today, to a group I breakfast with, that business confidence, like any confidence, is all in the mind and if the management are not thinking clearly they will be looking to cut spend in the wrong places. Although its probably too late, companies could make a worse investment than a party, everyone loves a party - keep the staff on a high and they will treat customers likewise and as people like to do business with people who are enthusastic, you may ride out the storm!
Cancel the Christmas party and you will definitely be sending out the wrong message to all and sundry; I can see the staff telling your suppliers and customers what a bad company they work for! Who wants to do business with a bad company? So I am looking for companies that think that if they save a few grand by cancelling an event that everyone has been looking forward to all year is going to do them any good then they seriously need help... Get them to call me for their own sake before they go bust at Easter... if they last that long!

Refusing to participate

Well Autumn is here and the depressing weather is having an effect on all of us. I however think this is the possibly the best time of the year. The colours and the anticpation of darker mornings and earlier evenings bring the shop windows to life at last. This must be the most colourful time of the year. Could we or should we at least not look at the economic outlook with the same enthusiasm? I think we should.
Every business owner I have talked to in the last few months is waiting for the Tsunami to hit its like a phoney war; they are battening down the hatches and looking downward.
This is NOT the way to do it this is very destructive and I would encourage any of you who feel that impending sense of doom to wizz over to wikipaedia or skeptics dictionary and look up the Forer effect. That well known phenomena of self fullfilling prophecy and how to break the cycle of being right. You know the one "if you think you will fail...you probably will and if you think you will succeed... you probably will"
So okay you will find the marketers out there carping on about not promoting yourself for growth but promoting yourself to survive... This is scaremongering ALWAYS LOOK FOR GROWTH someone out there is making money why not you!
I may have my head in the sand but the company down here is much more pleasant than up there!

Irritating Habits

Here we go again; panic spreading; blood on the streets the banks are under seige and the page three girl looks like trouble!
Please please stop reading the negative press stuff and make a decsion today not to participate in the general laziness of the reporting community the hiccup in the economy will only affect most of us if we let it.
It's about time the bloated banks had a bit of a kicking the last time my bank manager spoke to me was to moan...
Tough times but then they always have been... get a grip and just work bloody harder. Keep your focus and we all know the difference between a success and failure its not money or experience or luck although they all help - its tenacity, commitment and the ability to bounce.

On something else completely different as I am worn out now with all the negativity so I thought I would take er indoors out to re-live the music of the 80's Altered Images, Paul Young, Kim Wilde, Bananarama or whats left of them plus the absolute gem Kid Creole and the coconuts, this guy hasn't changed in thirty years. I swear he had the same suit on the last time I saw him 28 years ago.
Tsking into account the venue was filled with grey hair and a few just short of zimmer frames the modern world had the temerity to break through. Why do concert attendees seem to think its fine to use their mobile phone video cameras to record the concert. I cannot believe that the quality to be good enough to view again and in the meantime they piss off everyone in close vicinity by blocking out the line of sight so they can get a clear view of their pre-pubescent fantasies. Shoot the lot of them!
Next time a rant against the way my neighbours park cars that are too big to drive...

Summer what summer?

I think that the weather is making us all a bit loopy what with the Russians on one side and the Olympics just over in China - not that I have to say that I watched very much of them. I suppose if you are going to invade another country then why not when they are all watching television in the hope of winning another medal?
House prices are dropping like a harlots draws and that is just the best of it... I have decided that I can no longer watch the BBC as they have the very annoying habit of making themselves "experts" in any given field. The studio cretin decides that as they don't know enough and a probably struggling reading the difficult words on the autocue they would introduce the so and so editor as an expert to give his/her opinion funnily enough I don't want their opinion as they are reporters what I want them to do is report from the experts not be the experts. Since when has being blown up made somebody a terrorism expert...

Recession is good for the soul

I travel into my office and listen to that bastion of news reporting Radio 4 and oh dear yet again they have succumbed to the media need for shocking headlines. This morning it was the shocking story that we are all heading to hell in a handcart because of a set of survey results put out by the leading british business organisation The British Chamber of Commerce, well I don't know about you but I have never considered the BCC as being leading anything. They are incredibly inept and insignificant on almost every level. The provide what exactly? Training is a good one for local businesses delivered by idiots for idiots perhaps. Others do it better and with more success. The BCC does not have the qudos of its foreign counterparts who have serious clout. Ours are ersatz business leaders talk a lot are subject to local politics and are mainly part time luncheon organisers for the professional folk who have nothing better to do with their time than sit with twelve lawyers for lunch. It seems with all the hullaballo about crisis they forgot they do represent the poor sops who pay them extortionate amounts to join so they had better have a survey a big survey say about 5,000 respondents out of a vast membership should be embarrassed not crowing about it. For heavens sake they are quasi government and government should keep well out of the private sector not just this government but any government. I still cannot understand by the broadcasters give serious sound time to Vince Cable hasn't he got a proper job?

Selling without being obvious

Feeling Dirty!

Gang Raped by the banks & date raped by Talk Talk... Do I feel abused & dirty or just hurt because they don't call any more?

Searching for the perfect relationship is it worth it?

If a relate councellor was involved in trying to sort out this relationship they would be calling the police by now and looking for a refuge for me. So what went wrong? It was all going so well... The promises of good times and mutual happiness gave me hope that something good was at last about to happen. Oh and it was going to be so good valuable quality time spent together and at last someone I could really communicate with. If only!

Like any relationship the first few days were fantastic - just what I wanted someone who cared - someone who understood - someone who wanted me to do better. The honeymoon soon came to an end. Suddenly I was too demanding, too needy, just too damn close - things went downhill fast, all I wanted was what had been promised . Very quickly it became clear they were just like all the rest. To explain: If the bank that is dedicated to the small business person - yes you know who you are. Keeps employing inadequate sour faced front of house staff they can't expect hard working small business owners to bother with them I must admit if only they could perform as well as their advertising agency they would have cleaned up by now they are definitely finding another way...

As for the numb nuts at talk talk heaven forbid that they have anything akin to competence at any time. It has now taken them three months to do absolutely nothing in fact they rang me on Saturday afternoon to say exactly that although after going through all the checks to see I was who they said I was (they rang me not the other way round) they finally told me they needed to know so they could book a call from their technical department. After all the promises from the bunch called the "house moving team" they have yet to actually get me an account number to give me the rebate they promised me for delaying the installation!

They keep asking me if I have booked someone else for the broadband as if they have become jealous of any other relationship I may have with another telecoms provider. After ingnoring me for three months they are now stalking me. I have to say the recent relationships with large organisations has left me feeling grubby and used.

I would go to another bank or BT but they are no better none of them has any idea on customer service, they should change the name of customer care to customer we-don't-care teams.

Enough of this rant the anger has yet to subside but if anyone knows who can give me a quality service or in fact just call back when they say they will and preferably not cut me off when I have waited for an hour to speak to someone having finally got through and then said "I'll just put you on hold" a euphemism for cut you off and when you lose your cool they say I am not here for you to rude to but actually yes they are.

That's called putting your customer first. Charles Dunstone stop chasing the yanks for money and get your business right!

New Business and Web2.0

Went to a seminar on web 2.0 and decided that I should spread the word around all the networks I attend. If I started on about "web 2.0" and the benefits that it could bring their business they seemed to go all blank so I needed to explain what I meant in layman's terms so I thought about what the web has given small businesses so far and where the extra selling points which could benefit small businesses and not large organisations could be found...
The web with its websites and portals and to some extent forums (if you can be bothered) has given small businesses profile on the net so we can look like bigger companies (with the right amount of spend) and trade like them too. But can we get across the fundamental difference the actual main USP of the small business. We are small because in most cases we like to be small. Small is fast thinking quick agile and responsive. Not hide bound in procedure and not stuck in with crappy company rules which work against us.
No we are acutally business with personality then it hit me Web 2.0 allows us to have a personality on line. A face and feelings and with the stuff we can now share it has a little bit of us online.
Which large organisation can give us that and who is going to write the personality? is it the PR department in a clinical and safe style (we don't want to be sued do we?) or will it be the marketing department? neither I hope but whoever tries it will certainly have a job on their hands. This is why all small business must embrace technology advances or die.
take a look at www.punchingaboveyourweight.com and see if it makes sense...